m kinda emo now.. after watching 'click'.. just dont know where to start.. was flipping through Julie's friendster and was reminiscing.. she no longer has that hair which i used to associate with a mop.. anyway.. cant rewind.. and no point rewinding..
just realised that people really change.. i've changed too.. changed to the better? nah.. i don't think so.. i no longer remember peoples' birthdays.. i no longer care bout how other feels.. in fact i said things without thinking sometimes.. i no longer have that much self-confidence.. m getting more and more ego.. i still dont know how to cherish.. i still take things for granted.. m still behaving like a spoilt brat.. s cocky s ever.. maybe its worse now.. m almost late for appointments everytime..
was talking bout shir this evening with ben.. and kinda really thought that.. why m so close to her that time and i still dont know how to cherish her.. its not just once.. its thrice.. i really let those chances slipped by.. and still the same thing happened over and over again.. the same ending over and over again..
will i screw up this time?.. i really don't know.. i have no confidence in myself anymore.. not even when m presenting my work.. i no longer feel proud of my work.. i just find it.... it really looks like trash.. sometimes i don't even know what i want.. the countless nights of rushing all those work.. to me they just look like trash.. i cant even decide the colour scheme for the website.. m just pure hopeless.. m i suffering from depression? i dont know.. so far what m proud of is only my photography and digital art.. photography.. what m proud off? sorry all those work have been erased.. i really hated myself.. taking those photos is just like when u have the inspirations to take it.. u take it fast.. and not all the shots come twice.. and when u went back to the place to take again the feeling is gone.. sometimes somethings just gone in a blink..
why i just got everything screwed up?.. i really dont know.. nothing goes well when they are in my hands.. just like working in Zenitant when m supposed to be a facilitator.. i cant even handle students..
and now dont even have the courage to say.. excuse is that we might not be normal friends after i said it.. real thing is that m afraid to say it.. i dont like the feeling of losing something... i just hate it..
colours were no longer colours.. they were just different tones.. different shades of black..
3:35 AM
Yours Truly
Jiahan
thats what everyone calls me.
13th may is my big day
& 20yrs of experience braving through the storms
of course with some of you guys.. =))
